yes, i breastfeed a toddler.

photo by ama. chiang mai, thailand. october 2013

*this post was originally written, but never completed or published, december of 2012 when we were still in malaysia.

i'm nasty. 

i'm perverted. 

i'm addicted to endorphins. 

i should be ashamed of myself.  

i have heard all of these things because i breastfeed my toddler.

i never intended to still be breastfeeding lili at two and a half...it just happened. i didn't grow up in a family where women really breastfed children much past six months -if they did at all- and was raised in a societal generation that encouraged formula feeding. 

about eight years ago, a friend told me that she was going to breastfeed her daughter for at least a year- i thought that she was crazy! 

and look at me now...

i cannot think of a better connection that a mother can share with her child than breastfeeding. i remember putting ama on my breast minutes after she was born in complete awe; it was amazing to think that my breasts held the capability to nourish my child. there's something overwhelming about that gaze between a mother and child while he or she is sucking at the breast.

so this post definitely isn't "vaginas for sale"- i never had time to write that post yesterday. i've had people asking me when i was going to finish it, and i promise it will be soon. for those of you who are afraid/offended by its title, it's not a sexually explicit piece- just my thoughts concerning the exploitation of women in poorer nations by western men. that's all. no need to question my salvation over it. 

yesterday was a pretty chill day. i had a few things that i needed to get done so we didn't have any adventure time. but honestly, no matter what we do turns into an adventure! 

we started the day with with our normal routine: breakfast and kung fu panda. i did our laundry, picked up the girls' mess in our room and the little ladies watched episodes of wild kratts on itunes to keep themselves busy. it was raining on and off during the day, so it was a good thing that we didn't get out early.

lili was having another crabby day. she was crying for just about everything; one minute she wanted to take a bath, the next minute she didn't want to take one. she randomly pooped in the morning in the diaper she wore to bed (i potty trained her when we were in thailand, but she wears diapers for bed), and cried because she didn't want me to take the diaper off of her. she cried about what wild kratts episode they watched, and if i asked her to do anything she responded, "NEVER!!!!". i love her. she slept pretty well the night before, but i think was still tired from the other sleepless nights. 

once lili finally agreed to get a bath and her hair combed, we went to our indian place for dinner. the girls had their daily doses of roti and masala. when we were eating lili looks at me and said,"oops, i peed in my diaper!"...but lili wasn't wearing a diaper! she was just having an off day- we all have those. after dinner, it was off to ride a few rides at an arcade that we'd noticed a few days earlier.

the arcade was pretty old school; a few old rides, video games, a bunch of old men and women in the back chain smoking and playing what i think were slot machines. we stayed and played for a bit, then i needed to find some shampoo and conditioner- remember my hair was nasty dirty. i found a little store in a strip mall that sold shampoo, but no conditioner. by this time it started pouring rain and we had no umbrella. while we were waiting for the rain to stop ama says to me, "too bad we don't wear hijab because if we did, we could walk in the rain and our hair wouldn't get wet..." i love how culturally aware my girls are. 

we just hung out for awhile waiting for the rain to stop and found a little store that sold make-up. i bought some new "m.a.c." eye shadow and gel eyeliner. i knew you could buy counterfeit handbags, but i guess you can get make-up as well! the girls also each got free eyeshadow from one of the ladies who worked at the store. they weren't behaving very well and i told them that i would't buy them the anything. ama started to cry and the lady gave them eyeshadow! she was like, "oh, baby, don't cry auntie will buy it for you..." it was sweet, but at the same time frustrating because i'm trying to teach the girls that if they don't behave they can't have special things...and then ama cries because she can't have the eyeshadow, and the lady gives it to them. URG! but at least i know that girls are loved in malaysia!

i finally found shampoo and conditioner, but at 7-11. we walked home, i put the girls to bed and was finally able to wash my hair. i love clean hair; the way it smells and bounces just puts my heart at ease. i should wash my hair more often. it's just hard to do in asia; the shampoos and conditioners don't work well on my hair, so i just wait until i absolutely have to do it. 

it's thursday evening in malaysia now, and we had another lovely day that i'll write about tomorrow. our friends from kuala lumpur, zeal, murshidah, and their sweet daughter, munirah are in malacca for the weekend. we were able to spend some time with them tonight and we'll all go to a fruit farm together tomorrow. we love this family soo much and it was great to be with them again! 

i also wanted to thank everyone who's been reading the blog! your love and support mean the world to us! feel free to write me with any questions you may have, i do write back! 

and last, but not least, i must say: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIAH!!!! i love and miss you SOOO much! you are more than a friend, you are my sister. i am SOO blessed that God place someone like you in my life! 

we finally made it to the zoo yesterday! we saw sebastian at breakfast and the girls asked if they could invite him also. they asked and he accepted the invitation! 

the girls really like sebastian. maybe because of the kindness he showed us when they were sick, or that he always puts on "kung fu" panda for them while they eat breakfast. either way, they love him! whenever they see him they're like, "hey, sebastian!"or if we go get roti ama will say, "we should get some for sebastian..."

he really is an interesting person who always has these master oogway-type responses to things. i remember a few days after arriving at the hostel, i was on the rooftop getting our laundry and saw sebastian hanging his. i gave him the clips and hangers that i had been using and told him that his laundry would dry faster if he hung it in the sun. he calmly responded, "i'm not in a hurry..." smiled and then walked away. 

i was like, "whoa...he's a zen mater!" lol

he wants to buy land in a forest in poland and have a sustainable farm. if he was a christian, i would hook him up with one of my good friends, heather. they'd have a ton in common. he's good peeps. 

sebastian can now add spending a day at the zoo in malaysia with an insanely crabby lili to his list of adventures; some of which include living in calcutta, india, hitchhiking around europe and spending six months at a buddhist monastery in thailand. 

lili had another crazy sleep night and we both barely slept. maybe it was too much to try to take her to the zoo. she spent most of the time crabby, yelling that she wanted to see the lions and screaming at people- it was a it out of control! they are amazing travelers, but kids nonetheless. she did have times when she was in a good mood; she was excited to see the crocodiles, the birds and lions, of course. i didn't get to take many pictures of the day because she was just too crabby.

we all still had a good time, though, walking around looking at the animals, and then we got caught in a rain storm! good thing we were still at the zoo and found shelter in the reptile center- my hair just wouldn't have been able to survive the downpour! 

lili had a COMPLETE breakdown when we passed the playground and i told her that she couldn't play. so was sooo sleepy. it was still raining and the playground was soaked from the heavier rain, but how do you explain that to an already feisty two year-old who barley slept the night before and needed to eat? it took her awhile to clam down, and i had to walk around while singing to her. this really sweet girl came and started fanning her with her fan! thankfully, she fell asleep by the time our bus came.

we all stopped and ate at the indian place we love. ama decided that she loves the roti there SOO much, that she had to ask one of the guys who work there for the recipe. he had no idea what she was taking about, and it was ADORABLE to witness!

sebastian was a bit in awe at how everyone responds to the girls. he asked if people love them where ever we go- i told him pretty much. it's amazing to travel through asia with your children; everyone responds so warmly to the girls and instantly become like aunts and uncles to them. having them with me actually opens up soo many doors to meet great people, and interact with the culture around us in a very personal way. 

later when we got back to the hostel we found out that the new couple that had checked in the other day was from minneapolis- small world! the girls watched "kung fu" panda -again- got baths and ate special tarts that howard bought for them. oh! and a family with a four year-old little girl from the maldives checked in last night- the girls had a blast playing with her.

today's exciting agenda is as followed:

1. wash my hair- it's nasty dirty.
2. do laundry. 
3. keep the girls from screaming at each other.
4. write the other blog post i had planned, "vaginas for sale".
5. figure out where the girls and i will go next.

today...

today began as one of those days that make me remember why i love traveling: it's the gathering together of people from all over the world, each with their own unique story and journey. 

the girls and i got up late for breakfast because lili had another rough night sleeping due to her vivid dreams. she woke up in the middle of the night crying and hugging me saying, "mommy! i'm scared of the lion!"one day i'll have to tell you the hot dog story- this girl has some crazy dreams.

when we got down stairs, the older belgian man who checked in yesterday was already at the table eager to chat. he started asking me different travel questions: what i was doing in asia alone with my children, how to get to indonesia from singapore via ferry...should he or shouldn't he go back to thailand to the 28 year-old woman he spent a week with who doesn't speak english or french, but swears he's "in love" with. we'll save that story for tomorrow's post i'm entitling "vaginas for sale." i'm not kidding, stay tuned.  

a little bit into the belgian's ramblings, the the french guy -who's actually a french-speaking swiss- came down to check out. he was off to begin cycling from malaysia to thailand, then into cambodia and vietnam. he started his journey cycling through europe; he then took a plane to the states, cycled from las vegas to san francisco, stayed with some friends and then flew to singapore. he had biked from singapore to malaysia, and actually turned out to be a really cool guy. i think i prejudged him as a crabby european annoyed by my children. after the girls weren't throwing up in front of him, he seemed to be quite taken with them and always had an adoring smile. 

the swiss guy and i say our goodbyes, and the belgian keeps on talking. 

later this REALLY cool couple from the states, michael and eileen, come down. we chat about where we're from, about eileen taking a six month leave of absence from her job to travel, they asked how the girls and i ended up in asia, our 30-hour train ride from bangkok to kuala lumpur, our 17+ hour journey in third class from bangkok to chiang mai, the girls' love of the squatty potty, how i keep the them busy on such long train rides and the twelve counties lili's been to and the fifteen for ama. i shared my ideas about the false notion that you have to do all your adventurous travel before you have children because most people believe that international travel becomes out of the question. well, most americans that is. and no matter where in the world you're from, people can't believe that i would be traveling alone with two little girls...

michael and eileen were mad cool. we all just instantly connected. michael played 'kung fu' with the girls, we all chatted, took pictures together- well, eileen took pictures because my camera was upstairs. they were on their way back to singapore to catch their flight to india as they are going to spend five weeks traveling there  and will attend a wedding.

and all the while, the belgian is still talking... 

a bit later sebastian came to eat breakfast. i've always observed sebastian to be this really mellow, super zen-type guy as he spent six months living in a buddhist monastery in thailand. the belgian asked him a question, and i swear i thought sebastian was going to kill him. 

the conversation went as follows:

the belgian: "do you know anything about batam, indonesia?"

sebastian: "don't you EVER f%*king speak to me! you exploit my countrymen and come on your asian holiday and ask me for help?! i don't think so. don't f%*king talk to me! don't say another word."

yikes! i seriously thought sebastian was going to punch him. after the belgian finally left, i asked what happened between them. i guess earlier that morning they had been talking and once the belgian found out sebastian is polish, he started bragging about the polish workers he employees at his company in belgium. he pays them about 1/3 what he does belgians, but feels like he was doing them a favor since it's double what they would make in poland. and here he is, a rich western european holidaying in asia, after making a fortune by exploiting the misfortune of others.

i would have lost my zen -or in my case, my Jesus- too.

sebastian lived in scotland for awhile working because it's hard to earn a decent living in poland, even with his university studies. his mother lived for 10 years in chicago and is currently working in scotland. he told me stories of polish people working the in the uk; how they're treated as third class citizens and the shame that's held over many of them for being polish. he also told of the exploitations and hard lives that many polish face when working in western europe: you get paid less than minimum wage, which is more than what you'd earn in poland, but making it almost impossible to survive while living in western europe. sebastian had a good job in an office in scotland, but that's not the typical story of the average polish working abroad. 

and the belgian couldn't understand why sebastian was so angry. he was bragging as if sebastian should be grateful that he was "helping" his fellow countrymen.

power. privilege. exploitation. the plight of the undocumented worker: it's the same story all around the world. 

i shared some stories of our own problems in the states concerning this subject.

and then the day got much lighter; the girls and i were going to go to the zoo but it was TOO hot! ama and lili are feeling much better and i wanted to try and get them out of the hostel again. by the time we were dressed and ready to go, the bloody midday sun was at its peak. we decided to get roti from our favorite indian place and have a (very quick) picnic. 

we sat by the river and ate, while the girls waved to people on boats passing by.

hopefully tomorrow we'll get up and out early and actually make it to the zoo...

  

these girls come first

pai, thailand. october 2012

i had this great post planned about our incredible experiences last night. the new people that we met, people we came across again from previous journeys, the perfect weather, the amazing act of human kindness shown to us; the moment this rush of gratitude come over my being when it hit me that me and my little girls were strolling down the streets of this beautiful little town in malaysia.

it was going to be a great, i swear. 

but then my babies got sick. and when your babies get sick, not only do you change the blog post you wanted to write, you change your whole world for them. 

today i wanted to get up early, go get our bus tickets back to kuala lumpur, explore the city one last time, pack and be ready to leave for KL tomorrow so we could make it back in time to visit a compassion house for orphans with our new friends. but lili just wouldn't wake up. i thought it was because they had such an action packed night and they stayed up late watching kung fu panda. she finally woke up around 10am, then went right back to sleep and didn't wake-up until 2:00pm. she seemed fine, though i found it odd that she slept for so long. she asked for milk, i gave it to her, then about ten minutes later she threw it all up. since then, she's thrown up everything she's drank or attempted to eat. 

ama was fine earlier, then she also started vomiting a few hours after lili. i'll be honest and say that i didn't believe ama when she first told me her tummy was hurting. sorry, but if you know my little ama, then you know that she has a flair for the dramatic. she told me earlier that she was jealous that lili was sick and getting a lot of attention, and soon after started coming up with ailments such as tooth aches for fever reducing medicine. ama is just that little girl who loves taking medicine; on any given day you may just catch her walking around with the thermometer in her ear, checking to see if she has a temperature. i love my child.  ama didn't "seem" sick, but just to make her feel better i told her that if she felt like she was going to throw up, let me know and we'd run to the bathroom. about an hour later she started screaming that she needed to go to the bathroom to throw up, but did it all over our room floor.

i've had to stop writing this post at least three times to hold a bag over her mouth...

we're not leaving for KL tomorrow; we'll stay in malacca in our room until these little girls are better. 

we'll be watching lots of dora and praying they can keep fluids down. 

one day, i'll write that amazing post i promised you.

sister love, it is the sweetest kind.

circa 2010

there's nothing like having a good sister. or in my case, sisters as i have four of them. since traveling the past few months, i've become even more grateful for the sisters that i have- even you, bratty bina! my sisters and i all have very distinct, very different personalities, and some of us fought when we were younger -who doesn't fight with their siblings-  but i know that i can depend on them for anything. and they are the BEST aunts ever. hands down.

i'm especially close to my sister sabrina. maybe because we're only 13 months apart, or our dependency on each other during childhood trauma. either way, she's one of the best friends i've ever had. she's loyal, trustworthy, dependable, beautiful and able to keep secrets; she always has my best interests in mind and never tears my down to make her self look better. i know that i can call on her during anytime of need and she will be there.

i want this same bond for ama and lili.

one of the great things about traveling, is that outside of friends we meet along the way, the girls only have each other to play with. it's times like these when memories are being made and permanent bonds form. and when lili's not taking something from ama, or ama's not in lili's face screaming, they actually are the best of friends!

i love to sit back and watch them play dress up or make-believe. their latest craze: playing fashion show together. they take all the clothes out of our backpack (guess who has to repack everything...), dress each other up, use crayons to "do" each other's make-up and then strut down a fake catwalk using british accents. one day i'll have to post of video of lili saying, "how do i look, darling?" in her version of an english accent! it's hilarious.

i also love when we're out and about, they'll grab hands to search for adventures together...

i was extremely stressed out when i found out that i was pregnant with lili, and now i wouldn't have it any other way. i can't imagine ama not having her sister to play with; good thing God knows better than we do! 

most days, there's a lot more yelling and fighting going on rather than love-filled play. but one day they'll sit back and laugh about all the screaming that took place over who took whose necklace!

if you're the mother of daughters, do them to love each other- it's not a given that they'll grow up with healthy relationships. i know of one too many sister relationships that are filled with hatred, contempt and jealousy; sisters trying to out do the next and tearing each other apart. these same women also have broken relationships with their nieces and nephews. 

if you're out there and you haven't spoken to your sister in while for whatever reason, go reach out to her today. life's too short to hold bitterness and contempt. 

maybe you have a broken relationship with your sister and tried to reach out to her to no avail, just surround your self with beautiful girlfriends who are like sisters, and always be willing to extend forgivingness to your own.

it's never too late to form a sister bond.

malacca, melacca, melaka....

the girls got necklaces with their names written on them. lili wanted hers off before i could take a picture of her in it!  oh, and the guy who made them told the girls that they looked like j.lo! this of course made ama's day...and he didn't even know they were half puerto rican! lol

we played with "pop rocks"...thinking of you, papi!

i love this little girl!

a taste of the town...

european fort in the middle of the city

blowing bubbles and climbing on a canon!

riding a "pony"

ama getting her picture taken!

loved him!

love it!

this fort made me feel like i was in latin america again...well, a latin america with asians wearing hijab! lol

we took a boat ride down the river

a tasty snack: waffels and chocolate!

ok, sorry for the photo overload! blogging lesson #1: learn to choose a few photos! for another photographic look of our day in malacca, you can always check out my instagram photos here!

the girls and i have spent the last few days in a quaint little seaside town in malaysia named malacca. or melacca and sometimes melaka! i'm not quite sure which is the proper spelling, i've seen it written all three ways! it's a short two and a half hour bus ride from KL, and a nice little getaway.

i first heard about malacca from a wonderful new friend, felicia, we met on our train ride from bangkok to kuala lumpur. felicia was mixed (her mom black and dad white) and from california; her father was from minneapolis and she's been traveling around asia since last january. be still my heart! she was going to spend a few days in KL in route to australia. really, you don't come across people like her everyday!  love you, girl! and another shout out is in order to our other new friend we met on the same journey, the lovely zara from the uk!

we started our day early because come midday, malacca is hot, hot, hot! thankfully the hostel we're staying at is right across the street from the attractions we visited! this helped save on both time and money!

first, i got hustled into paying 40RM (about $13USD) to take a short ride on a rickshaw- the colorful mode of transportation in malacca. basically, they're bikes with a seat attached to the side, decorated with fake flowers, stuffed animals, paint of all sorts of colors, and most of the time blaring hip-hop from its radio! let's just say that i'm on a SUPER TIGHT budget, and the driver got yelled at by me and the girls after finding out the length of our ride! well, we yelled at him and the girls tried to attack him using their bubble sticks as swords! the driver couldn't help but laugh, while gladly taking my 40RM. i guess you're only in malacca once, right? oh, and i forgot to mention that he originally wanted to charge me 50RM and i "talked him down" to 40!

since being in asia, my children have seen me yell at many a people over prices! the girls themselves have joined the bartering game- often, they'd scream at tuk-tuk drivers in thailand over prices they'd quote us! if a driver says 60 baht, ama will say, "no, 40 baht!" followed by lili pointing her finger and yelling, "yeah, 40 thai baht!" lili now refers to all currency as "thai baht"...

ok, back to malacca.

my anger subsided a bit after reaching the fort in the city- it gave me this nostalgic feeling of being in latin america. the girls ran around blowing bubbles and climbing on canons.  we then decided to climb up a ton of stairs to reach st. paul's hill, which lili thought was a castle! once we reached the top the girls ran around, got necklaces with their names on them (ama's is already broken) and got their pictures taken with and by many tourists! their curly hair makes them famous in asia!

we walked around the historic area of the city for awhile, then got lost in wandering in a market near by! we found some "pop rocks" (you know, those little balls that pop when you throw them on the ground) and i bought them for the girls as a way to feel like their papi was with them! jossue would randomly bring them home for the girls in the summer, and they'd love going outside to throw them with him!

somehow, my children sucker me into paying for really random things for them to do like riding fake ponies around the plaza. i say "no," but then i love to see their faces light up with enjoyment after giving in. and it's not like their asking for designer purses! then we had ice cream, rode a boat down the river and had waffles with chocolate.

overall, it was a another sweet day spent with two sweet (most of the time) little girls. it's not always easy traveling alone with them; i get crabby, they get crabby, but i would never trade this experience for anything in the world!

let's see where the wind blows us today...

i (finally) did it...

hello, out there!

i've been wanting to start past four years and i've finally done it! i don't know what to expect by joining the "blog world," but i'm excited at the possibility of bringing you into our world, sharing our experiences in asia, expressing our faith and beliefs and giving you a piece of our heart.

the blog template is pre made- just customized with colors the i liked. i'm not sure that i know "how to" blog, i can only be honest and share myself with you.

i hope you'll come along for the ride.

sorry for the short post. we had to be up early this morning to travel by bus and we are pooped- expect proper introduction and more content tomorrow!

-iliah