yes, i breastfeed a toddler.

photo by ama. chiang mai, thailand. october 2013

*this post was originally written, but never completed or published, december of 2012 when we were still in malaysia.

i'm nasty. 

i'm perverted. 

i'm addicted to endorphins. 

i should be ashamed of myself.  

i have heard all of these things because i breastfeed my toddler.

i never intended to still be breastfeeding lili at two and a half...it just happened. i didn't grow up in a family where women really breastfed children much past six months -if they did at all- and was raised in a societal generation that encouraged formula feeding. 

about eight years ago, a friend told me that she was going to breastfeed her daughter for at least a year- i thought that she was crazy! 

and look at me now...

i cannot think of a better connection that a mother can share with her child than breastfeeding. i remember putting ama on my breast minutes after she was born in complete awe; it was amazing to think that my breasts held the capability to nourish my child. there's something overwhelming about that gaze between a mother and child while he or she is sucking at the breast.

we finally made it to the zoo yesterday! we saw sebastian at breakfast and the girls asked if they could invite him also. they asked and he accepted the invitation! 

the girls really like sebastian. maybe because of the kindness he showed us when they were sick, or that he always puts on "kung fu" panda for them while they eat breakfast. either way, they love him! whenever they see him they're like, "hey, sebastian!"or if we go get roti ama will say, "we should get some for sebastian..."

he really is an interesting person who always has these master oogway-type responses to things. i remember a few days after arriving at the hostel, i was on the rooftop getting our laundry and saw sebastian hanging his. i gave him the clips and hangers that i had been using and told him that his laundry would dry faster if he hung it in the sun. he calmly responded, "i'm not in a hurry..." smiled and then walked away. 

i was like, "whoa...he's a zen mater!" lol

he wants to buy land in a forest in poland and have a sustainable farm. if he was a christian, i would hook him up with one of my good friends, heather. they'd have a ton in common. he's good peeps. 

sebastian can now add spending a day at the zoo in malaysia with an insanely crabby lili to his list of adventures; some of which include living in calcutta, india, hitchhiking around europe and spending six months at a buddhist monastery in thailand. 

lili had another crazy sleep night and we both barely slept. maybe it was too much to try to take her to the zoo. she spent most of the time crabby, yelling that she wanted to see the lions and screaming at people- it was a it out of control! they are amazing travelers, but kids nonetheless. she did have times when she was in a good mood; she was excited to see the crocodiles, the birds and lions, of course. i didn't get to take many pictures of the day because she was just too crabby.

we all still had a good time, though, walking around looking at the animals, and then we got caught in a rain storm! good thing we were still at the zoo and found shelter in the reptile center- my hair just wouldn't have been able to survive the downpour! 

lili had a COMPLETE breakdown when we passed the playground and i told her that she couldn't play. so was sooo sleepy. it was still raining and the playground was soaked from the heavier rain, but how do you explain that to an already feisty two year-old who barley slept the night before and needed to eat? it took her awhile to clam down, and i had to walk around while singing to her. this really sweet girl came and started fanning her with her fan! thankfully, she fell asleep by the time our bus came.

we all stopped and ate at the indian place we love. ama decided that she loves the roti there SOO much, that she had to ask one of the guys who work there for the recipe. he had no idea what she was taking about, and it was ADORABLE to witness!

sebastian was a bit in awe at how everyone responds to the girls. he asked if people love them where ever we go- i told him pretty much. it's amazing to travel through asia with your children; everyone responds so warmly to the girls and instantly become like aunts and uncles to them. having them with me actually opens up soo many doors to meet great people, and interact with the culture around us in a very personal way. 

later when we got back to the hostel we found out that the new couple that had checked in the other day was from minneapolis- small world! the girls watched "kung fu" panda -again- got baths and ate special tarts that howard bought for them. oh! and a family with a four year-old little girl from the maldives checked in last night- the girls had a blast playing with her.

today's exciting agenda is as followed:

1. wash my hair- it's nasty dirty.
2. do laundry. 
3. keep the girls from screaming at each other.
4. write the other blog post i had planned, "vaginas for sale".
5. figure out where the girls and i will go next.

healing...

the girls are on the mend- praise God! it's been a rough couple of days with them both being sick. they aren't quite 100% themselves just yet, but able to keep fluids down and eat a little bit here and there! so we're still just laying low in malacca. 

the first night they were sick was insane! i spent the whole night up holding a bag over ama's mouth and breastfeeding lili for comfort. i'm guessing that i slept about an hour that night- we were all exhausted the next morning. 

when you're traveling alone with two little girls and they get sick, you don't have an extra person to run to the store for you to pick up crackers and gatorade (if they even have gatorade in malaysia), and you don't have an extra hand to care for one girl while you care for the other. but we always survive and God always provides a helping hand. my helping hand came in the form of a kind polish traveler, sebastian.

i had no idea how i was going to get the girls medicine and something for them to eat. i would never leave them at the hostel to run out for things, and they were too sick to go out. i knew that i was going to have to ask someone for help. the first person i thought of was the mysterious eastern european guy whose room is on the way to the bathroom. he heard us going back and forth down the hall when the girls were throwing up -before i decided that we were just going to go plastic bag over the mouth route- and came out of his room to ask if they were okay. i figured i could ask him for help since he seemed concerned for the girls the night before, and the french guy whose room is right next to ours just rolled is eyes and walked away when he saw them throwing up- i knew he wasn't going to help. 

i went to sebastian's room and the first thing he asked was how the girls were. i told him that they were still pretty sick and that i would need his help, then asked if he could go to the store for me. he replied, "i was going to suggest that last night..."

he went to the store and got what i needed, went the the pharmacy to get the girls rehydrating salts to put in their water -that they wouldn't drink- and brought me back food i didn't ask for. i had been soo concerned about the girls that i hadn't even thought about eating. he said, "i figured you hadn't eaten and brought you some roti and curry..." then gave me some tips on helping the girls get better and said that he would stay around the hostel incase we needed anything else. 

there is still goodness in the world, folks.

he later brought us bananas and curry chicken eat, also Sprite for the girls to see if they would drink it with the rehydrating salts. 

God cares for me and these little girls. i've had soo many amazing people help us along the way during this journey- i'll have to write about all of them one day. we met most them we before i had a blog...

yesterday was the first night we were able to leave the hostel in a couple of days, and the first time i was able to take a shower... the girls still don't have very strong appetites and weren't ready to try eating until later in the evening. we decided to go on a little walk near where we are staying as i didn't want to exhaust them with too much walking or activities. we found a stand selling watermelon and juice; well, it wasn't juice it was 'drank'- you know, sugar, water, fruit flavor and food coloring! i swear we'll get back to our healthy eating habits when we're back in the states! 

the girls ate their watermelon while sitting on a little bridge overlooking the river. there was great weather, beautiful surroundings and they didn't throw everything the ate back up- perfection. we then went to look for the little indian restaurant where sebastian had gotten our roti. the girls have fallen in love with roti -ama says it's just like naan- and it seems to be gentle on their tummies. then it was off for popsicles. i know, drank and popsicles in one evening. help us, Lord. 

after dinner we found a little park and they played a bit. not their usual high energy, aggressive play-just a little sliding, then we went on a ferris wheel ride. after being inside a room for a few days, this was just what the doctor ordered. 

we are all healing over this way; the girls in their bodies and me in my heart. healing from the past few years of broken friendships, vicious in-laws, family betrayals- many disappointments. i am grateful for a God who heals and restores. i can't wait to see what's to come- it's going to be amazing!

malacca, i think i may be falling in love with you...

oh, malacca, i think you may have my heart in the palm of your hands. there is something very charming about you. maybe it's your blend of cultural influences: chinese, portuguese, british, dutch, indian and malay. maybe it's the way that at night the whole city is lit up by tiny lights, the little art galleries tucked away in hidden corners, all the hippie nomads, the cafes to sit and people watch; or maybe it's the dreamy river running right through the center of town. it could be a combination of all of these things; either way, i'm smitten with you.

the girls and i have been having a great time in malacca. we haven't really been "doing" much, but we're enjoying our time of sitting back, hanging out and wandering about the city- when it's not raining that is.

originally, were only going to stay in malacca for a few days but her charm has sucked us in! I booked this hostel from friday until yesterday, but we decided to stay a few extra days. there were no rooms available at the hostel we were at, but we met this awesome retired french woman who told us about this guest house that another traveler had recommended to her. there are many reasons why i love traveling, but one of the main ones are the people that you meet along the way. i love the feeling of the world colliding with my life; i love meeting others from all around the world, united by the common bond of needing to wander. we also met a young argentine couple that morning- it was good feel latin america close to me again...even though i have this love/hate relationship with argentina.

ama was SOOO excited to leave our first hostel- let's just say our room didn't look as nice as the one in the photo! the girls did enjoy playing with the hostel keeper's dog- who, by the way, was really nice and i'm pretty sure was a high functioning alcoholic. the hostel keeper, not the dog. we met really cool people during our stay backpacker's freak, but we're defiantly happy with where we are now.

we moved to the hostel the french woman suggested to us, ringo's foyer. it's clean, in a great location, cheaper than where we were- plus full of art, books and old furniture. the owner, howard, put on "kung fu panda" for the girls to watch and sat there with us watching and chatting away. if you ever make your way to malacca and are looking for a great place to stay at a great price, ringo's foyer is the place to be!

we'll be moving on from malacca in a next day or so, but i will be leaving a piece of my heart here with her. i feel like we're just getting into the rhythm of the city and becoming a part of a community. who knows, the wind may just blow us back here before our time in malaysia is done...

malacca, melacca, melaka....

the girls got necklaces with their names written on them. lili wanted hers off before i could take a picture of her in it!  oh, and the guy who made them told the girls that they looked like j.lo! this of course made ama's day...and he didn't even know they were half puerto rican! lol

we played with "pop rocks"...thinking of you, papi!

i love this little girl!

a taste of the town...

european fort in the middle of the city

blowing bubbles and climbing on a canon!

riding a "pony"

ama getting her picture taken!

loved him!

love it!

this fort made me feel like i was in latin america again...well, a latin america with asians wearing hijab! lol

we took a boat ride down the river

a tasty snack: waffels and chocolate!

ok, sorry for the photo overload! blogging lesson #1: learn to choose a few photos! for another photographic look of our day in malacca, you can always check out my instagram photos here!

the girls and i have spent the last few days in a quaint little seaside town in malaysia named malacca. or melacca and sometimes melaka! i'm not quite sure which is the proper spelling, i've seen it written all three ways! it's a short two and a half hour bus ride from KL, and a nice little getaway.

i first heard about malacca from a wonderful new friend, felicia, we met on our train ride from bangkok to kuala lumpur. felicia was mixed (her mom black and dad white) and from california; her father was from minneapolis and she's been traveling around asia since last january. be still my heart! she was going to spend a few days in KL in route to australia. really, you don't come across people like her everyday!  love you, girl! and another shout out is in order to our other new friend we met on the same journey, the lovely zara from the uk!

we started our day early because come midday, malacca is hot, hot, hot! thankfully the hostel we're staying at is right across the street from the attractions we visited! this helped save on both time and money!

first, i got hustled into paying 40RM (about $13USD) to take a short ride on a rickshaw- the colorful mode of transportation in malacca. basically, they're bikes with a seat attached to the side, decorated with fake flowers, stuffed animals, paint of all sorts of colors, and most of the time blaring hip-hop from its radio! let's just say that i'm on a SUPER TIGHT budget, and the driver got yelled at by me and the girls after finding out the length of our ride! well, we yelled at him and the girls tried to attack him using their bubble sticks as swords! the driver couldn't help but laugh, while gladly taking my 40RM. i guess you're only in malacca once, right? oh, and i forgot to mention that he originally wanted to charge me 50RM and i "talked him down" to 40!

since being in asia, my children have seen me yell at many a people over prices! the girls themselves have joined the bartering game- often, they'd scream at tuk-tuk drivers in thailand over prices they'd quote us! if a driver says 60 baht, ama will say, "no, 40 baht!" followed by lili pointing her finger and yelling, "yeah, 40 thai baht!" lili now refers to all currency as "thai baht"...

ok, back to malacca.

my anger subsided a bit after reaching the fort in the city- it gave me this nostalgic feeling of being in latin america. the girls ran around blowing bubbles and climbing on canons.  we then decided to climb up a ton of stairs to reach st. paul's hill, which lili thought was a castle! once we reached the top the girls ran around, got necklaces with their names on them (ama's is already broken) and got their pictures taken with and by many tourists! their curly hair makes them famous in asia!

we walked around the historic area of the city for awhile, then got lost in wandering in a market near by! we found some "pop rocks" (you know, those little balls that pop when you throw them on the ground) and i bought them for the girls as a way to feel like their papi was with them! jossue would randomly bring them home for the girls in the summer, and they'd love going outside to throw them with him!

somehow, my children sucker me into paying for really random things for them to do like riding fake ponies around the plaza. i say "no," but then i love to see their faces light up with enjoyment after giving in. and it's not like their asking for designer purses! then we had ice cream, rode a boat down the river and had waffles with chocolate.

overall, it was a another sweet day spent with two sweet (most of the time) little girls. it's not always easy traveling alone with them; i get crabby, they get crabby, but i would never trade this experience for anything in the world!

let's see where the wind blows us today...

i (finally) did it...

hello, out there!

i've been wanting to start past four years and i've finally done it! i don't know what to expect by joining the "blog world," but i'm excited at the possibility of bringing you into our world, sharing our experiences in asia, expressing our faith and beliefs and giving you a piece of our heart.

the blog template is pre made- just customized with colors the i liked. i'm not sure that i know "how to" blog, i can only be honest and share myself with you.

i hope you'll come along for the ride.

sorry for the short post. we had to be up early this morning to travel by bus and we are pooped- expect proper introduction and more content tomorrow!

-iliah